A Day of Remembrance

So today marks the one year anniversary of when Landon was admitted into the Burn Unit for surgery from the 3rd degree burn on his tiny hand.  8/30/2010 was the date of his accident.

It took a lot for me to finally start giving the event the name = “accident”.  I use to call “it” an incident or an event or just that day, but I’m slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that it was just that, an accident.

I can’t remember some of the details of the accident let alone those first couple of days in the hospital with Landon due to shock.  A lot of what the doctors and nurses explained to me seemed like silent words.  My husband, Robert was more in the moment the first couple of days than I was.  Although I was physically present, I was emotionally distant and unavailable.  Trying to not lose my sanity through the whole ordeal was sort of my focus so that I could comfort my son, but looking back, I was the one who needed to be comforted and still do.  The worst part wasn’t watching him scream while I changed his bandage every night or trying to fall sleep on the chair by his bed side.  No it was when I had to part from him right before surgery with a hug and a kiss all the while he cried for me….it took all of the power in the world to not lose it since I didn’t want to scare him.  I had to leave him screaming in the arms of nurses…..strangers while they put him to sleep for surgery.  Coming in close second place was dealing with the stares and crooked looks from parents whenever they saw Landon’s scar.  It’s getting easier with time to deal with the comments.  I have always been able to hold it together through the toughest times in my life…and boy have I experienced some tough times, but this I couldn’t handle.  I completely broke down, but I’m happy to write that I’m finally starting to recover.  I can say with confidence now that I am ready to start working again.

My supporter has been fantastic in helping me to forgive myself as well as deal with the guilt that I’ve been experiencing. I’ve always felt, subconsciously, that it was my fault because I was unable to protect my son from harms way…how silly of me, but I’m learning to understand that those feelings stem from my childhood.  What has always meant the world to me, more than anything else,  has been to be a great mom and for the most part I have felt that to be true, that is until 8/30/10.  I have beat myself up for not doing the one job that I was meant to do, which is to be the protector of my children.  Instead, I was focused on doing a good job at work, but I will never do that again.  You see although my mother tried her best to be a good mother to me and my sisters, she didn’t do such a great job in being my protector and so when Landon was injured, it brought back all of those old feelings that I had as a child, which were feelings of abandonment and loneliness.  And that hurts, it still hurts….but the pain is subsiding as the time passes.

Before I connected with my supporter, I would go over the “what if” scenarios in my head—-over and over, but that hasn’t helped.  It also hasn’t helped when I think to myself how it was possible to not have forseen this coming, especially as a mother of two other children.  “I should be a pro by now”, was the thought that followed shortly, but these thoughts are poisonous.  I’ve learned that if I am ever going to move on from these horrible feelings and thoughts then I need to first forgive myself and then change my mindset.  My first question to her was, “how do I forgive myself?”  She said, “with time”.  And so I’m taking that to heart so that I can begin to mend my broken heart.

The difficult times of looking at Landon’s burn scar have gotten better.  At first, I couldn’t bear to look at his scar without crying.  There were days when I would cry at the most unexpected times, such as while riding the train, at work, even while just simply walking down the street.  I had no control over my feelings, which is very unusual for me.  What I’ve come to realize is that I need to grieve so that I can finally start to heal.  And so, whenever those emotions stir up again, I just let them flow and stop trying to control them.  Since at the end of the day, it’s okay to cry, especially after this ordeal.

I look forward to the day that I’ll be able to remember the date of 9/15/10, which marks the date when he was discharged from the Burn Unit instead of only remembering the date of the accident.

Follow Your Passion and Find Inner Peace!!!

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