Surrender… Not Failure

I’ve made some progress on my Unit 2 Interior Design Course….. read the last booklet on “Floor plans”, watched a DVD and completed the quiz on Early American Farmhouse Furniture…. wheeew.  All that remains now for this unit is to draft a floor plan of my living room and my sister’s bedroom.  I give props to the Interior Designers of the past, who had to draft by hand….thank Jesus for CAD and other similar programs because I had a tough time getting the practice floor plans right!

In addition to my recent accomplishments, I’ve made a crucial decision since I last wrote.  After speaking with Norma, my Therapist, I’ve decided, after much thought, that it would be best to start on a anti-depressant on a short term basis.

She recommended it during my last session.  I wasn’t happy to hear it, not because of what my support system might think, but because I have a really hard time dealing with failure.  Silly me thought that I’ve failed by not being able to deal with my issues on my own instead of realizing that the strongest and wisest of people are the ones who reach out for help.  There are other alternatives, such as St. John’s Wart (an herbal supplement that helps with depression), but i figured that i might as well surrender and go outside of my comfort zone and try this.   I hate medications, so much that I gave birth to my last two kids without meds.

Lately, I’ve realized that I’ve felt more like that person who began therapy five years ago = lost.  The many helpful techniques that I’ve learned through therapy, such as journaling, just aren’t working for me anymore. I’ve gone back to dealing with my issues by escaping mentally… detaching myself mentally from reality.  I’ve learned that this is my mechanism for protecting myself.  It worked great when I was younger, but now it just isn’t working so well.  Norma explained that my feelings are normal due to the traumatic events that I’ve gone through and so after we went down the list, I totally understood (another light bulb moment).  So here it is…the list:

-Child Molestation (that was a hard one to put in writing)
-Teen Pregnancy
-2 Stressful Jobs within the last 4 years
-My son’s injury and hospitalization as well as dealing with the guilt of not protecting him from harm’s way
-Job Loss
-Financial Stress
-My Hubby’s Stroke 2 weeks ago
-Marital Problems
-Career Change
-Raising three kids (Two under the age of 7-one who is very ACTIVE and ENERGETIC and my two year old who runs around the house all day screaming at the top of his lungs like Mariah Carey-for no reason at all!!!)

After going down that list, I thought to myself, who would feel like themselves after all of this? Recently, I’ve felt irritable, inpatient, sleep deprived, distant, just plain sad.

Through therapy, I’ve learned that I am too hard on myself.  Realizing this has helped me decide that an anti-depressant is the best choice for me at this time.  So to all of my friends and family who are reading this, don’t worry, I am not banging my head on the wall with a white stray jacket! lol In other words I’m not crazy or going crazy or suicidal.  I’m just not myself, so this a huge step for me.. the right choice for me.  It’s also good to know that an anti-depressant is not addictive and has few side affects.

So I’ve surrendered and in the meantime I am learning to leave behind the old me, “Superwoman”!  Also, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can’t do it all alone and if I want to get through this, and I will, that I will need help.  In addition to the medication, I’ve made an appointment with a Marriage Counselor.  My hubby doesn’t know yet, but he’ll soon find out next week once we get there.  I did so only because I’ve been trying to get him to agree for about a year and it hasn’t worked.  He has improved though.  He’s gone from a “hell no, we are fine babe” to an “I’ll think about it” and so I’ve translated that into a “yes”.  Hey a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do to save her marriage!



Follow Your Passion and Find Inner Peace!!!

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